Boxer Light & American

In the fight against good taste, these beers are the champs.

I’m a Yard Beer Anthropologist. Or I would be, if that was actually a thing and not something dumb I invented to justify my weakness for trying beers I should really know better about.

The latest two are Boxer Light and American. Before I came across them in the liquor store, I’d never heard of either one, but I was intrigued by both.

Boxer Light comes in an industrial-sized 36-pack -- a full six beers more than the now instantly passé, hopelessly inferior 30-pack. American makes the ballsy claim that it’s “Unofficially, the official beer of the United States of America.”

So what was I supposed to do? Not buy them?

I should not have bought them. Boxer Light has a sour taste and when you take a sip it feels like it’s actively curdling in your mouth. The can says it has no preservatives, additives or added flavors -- but if any of those things would help improve the taste, then they should absolutely go ahead and dump in a few bucketfuls.

And why a crown for the Boxer Light logo? Shouldn’t it be boxing gloves or Rocky or something? There’s a Boxer dog on the website and they ran a contest to give away 1,000 pairs of boxers, but that still doesn’t solve the mystery of the crown.

Maybe it’s a reference to the Boxer Rebellion. If so, they should put some historical cartoons or educational puzzles on the box. Because I’ll be honest, I just had to Wikipedia the Boxer Rebellion to find out exactly what it was.

Some may argue having games and comics on the box would be marketing to minors. I say go ahead and do it. At worst, the kids might learn something -- it’s not like they’ll be able to choke back more than half of one of these anyway.

As for American, after drinking one I can safely declare that while we are a nation often divided by politics, if this swill is ever allowed to achieve sanctioned recognition as the official beer of our great country, it will be time for us to pour into the streets and weep openly. For democracy will have failed.

Still, it’s the winner over Boxer Light. Don’t get me wrong, American tastes just as bad, but it doesn’t have the curdling sensation. Plus, there’s the added bonus that I only have five Americans left versus 35 Boxers.

Hopefully I can finish all of these before I come across a 42-pack, which I predict to be the next evolution of beer packaging now that the 36-can barrier has been broken. There’s only so much room in the beer fridge, and again, I have a weakness.